Sometimes, I Think This is Fake

The Portland bus rider's etiquette is not unlike that of a man's urinal etiquette: upon entering, exist as far away from another person. I have no idea why we do this, but we just do. So when I got on the 10 in Ladd's Addition to go downtown, I saw the seat that was most alone, and I went for it, just as I would in any public restroom.

My ride is short so I never open a book or anything, I just sit and watch Portland. This is calming and centering. I pray sometimes, or I'll just think and think and think.

Until somebody messes with my brain parts. Like her.

"You will not treat me like a steak! You will not treat me like a steak!" she said it as if her odd simile needed to be heard twice (which I'm pretty sure it did).

The whole bus turned around to see if she was a real person. She was.

"I ain't no piece of meat, Dwayne!" she was yelling quite loudly now. It is about now when I either start to stifle my laughter or sweat. This time, both happened. I stifle laughter because it's freaking hilarious, but I sweat because I despise tension. What do I do? I'm a problem solver so I began running scenarios when she spoke up again.

"Dwayne, I'm not another one of your hos. I am your lady! You tell me that every day, but it ain't true! It ain't true!"

Plausible problem solving scenarios:

I scream, "FIRE!!!" and demand the bus lets everyone off
In order to take the attention off of her and to me, I just dance (very well).
Run to the back of the bus, sit next to her and pat her back saying, "C'mon
now, there there."

None of these seem to play out well in the end for me or for my dear sister. During this time, she's not taking anything from Dwayne, nor should she from as much as I can understand.

"No-no-no. NO. NO! Listen to me: NO!"

The ragged man in front of me begins to fall asleep. At a time like this, you fall asleep? How?

Then suddenly, the drama ends when she restates her claim: "Dwayne, I will tell you again, I AM NO STEAK!"

Silence.

And it's as if nothing happened. More accurately, it's as if nothing had been going on. As if a large black woman had not been screaming at Dwayne over her cellular. This is how staunch the Tri Met riders are. And if we bring this full circle, it's as if the man all the way down the urinal line just began using the floor for his target and for me to say NOTHING.

O, what isolation we live in.