I'm Upset That You'll Be Missing Nothing

I had already planned on being late to my twelve o'clock class. I guess I should give you a reason, but I could also just say that the class is called, "Women's History: The Woman of American (1600-1900)." I rarely pay attention in this class, and I successfully passed my mid-term with flying colors by just Googling the terms on the study guide. I'm horrifically bored through most of it, and my "Ph.D" teacher has the vocabulary of my refrigerator.

Beyond the advantage of being able to miss class and still pass, my professor does not know anyone's names and needs to hear it at least 11 times to actually get it. I'm pretty sure she knows one girl's name. She says she has a problem with her memory because she "had kids" and "they sucked [her] brains right out." (Her words, not mine). So if she doesn't know my name to my face, then as long as I write well and ace the tests...well, things will be a-okay for Mr. Nye.

Today was the last class of the term and I knew that I had to be there to get that study guide. It was my life. As long as I obtained the study guide, this class would be passed, no problem. As I approached the building, I began to think that maybe I should just skip most of it, and try to just walk in at the break.

So I sat outside the classroom and read some newspapers, exchanged some emails, and put some finishing touches on a paper I was handing in soon, when women began spilling out of the room.

This is my chance.

Go in, get the study guide, AND GET THE FRACK OUT.

I cut through the sea of women to the class which was no consisting of people standing to stretch. You know, that stretch where you basically make your body a standing star, yawning greatly, and looking tremendously unattractive? There were some students asking the professor some questions, so I stood around looking for the study guide.

"She hasn't handed it out yet," my friend told me.

I have to ask her. This may be harder than I thought. Should I stay and just hang in here for the last half of the class for this study guide? I can't stand another minute. I'm going to ask.

"Hi," I said.

Blank stare.

"Ok, well I was hoping to get the study guide, I kind of have to go..."

Blank stare.

"...wondering if you had that uh...study guide..."

"I do?" she questioned.

I made a face.

"I do!" she said excitedly. She sort of trotted over to get it. "And I will give you the study guide, that's what I'll do," she said again. I swear this woman is SO WEIRD. As she hands me the study guide she says regally, "The study guide. To you." She nods.

"Thank y-"

She busts in with, "Well then, good, I'm sorry you have to go," and she starts to sound sort of stern and angry. "I guess you'll just have to miss...you'll be missing..."

And she trails off and just looks at me with empty eyes for what seems like an eternity.

I'm about to fill in the gap with a cough when she says, "Other things. You'll be missing other things that we do."

"Oh, what a tragedy," I say quickly.

I think she was saying something to me as I walked out, but I couldn't tell you what.